An Antidote to Loneliness
As I considered how to connect with you in a conversation this month, I debated revisiting topics like “will we be missed when we are gone?” (in light of a death of a prominent community member who has been a surrogate mom for a whole generation of Soviet immigrant kids in New York in early 2000’s), “what to gift to someone who has everything”, and “when/how to let go of control”, which is not an easy task for many of us. Yet, the topic that’s been on my mind most, running through everything like a vibrant thread, is engagement.
Engagement is our emotional connection with each other, with something in our environment, or with an idea. Engagement evokes something from the very depth of our beings, it moves and transports us to new emotional destinations. Engagement is not about doing more, or doing more, but about feeling more deeply, sensing the brightness of experiences in our every-day lives, and yet without making us experience junkies.
What does engagement have to do with loneliness? Many people feel lonelier than ever these days, even though we are seemingly more connected than ever.
Engagement, much like intimacy, seems to be an antidote to loneliness. “Connectivity”, or seeming presence, does not substitute true connection or engagement.
For example, you can be participating in a work meeting or be sitting at the family dinner table, looking around, nodding at the right times, but feeling completely absent. Yet, you can’t with any certainty be accused of ‘being disconnected’, as you create an impression of being connected. On the other hand, when you are truly connected at the meeting or dinner table, your engagement is unmistakable: it is evocative and moving on many levels, both for you and for others.
We can trace emotional engagement in various aspects of our lives:
Engagement with an activity: “The only time when I feel truly engaged is when I’m a watching a football game. I scream, I jump, and I am really myself then”- a client once told me. He had a successful career, a beautiful family, and yet, he lived with these things without emotionally engaging with them. It took a football game for him to feel something (and this was at the heart of our coaching).
Another client described engagement with new experiences: “When I see a new gadget, my hands almost start shaking: I physically need to get that gadget in my hands, immediately; click it, snap it, go through all of its features. I’m completely absorbed by it.”
Engagement with beauty: “When I see the design of that car, when I think how fast it can go, I feel in my gut that it’s a thing of beauty. That perfection of beauty is like a drug.”
Engagement with a story: “Watching a good story unfold on screen is an adrenalin rush; I feel like I’m the one on a mission to save the world.”
Engagement with a person: just think back to your first touch with your favorite partner, an exciting conversation with a colleague about a new development in your field, a shared belly laugh with a neighbor, a sense of deep appreciation for the person who cooks an amazing meal just for you.
How can we create more engagement and intimacy in our lives? Here are some ideas:
Start a soulful conversation with someone you care about, and be fully present.
Mend something lovingly: a broken gadget, a heart, anything that could use your TLC.
Be the one carrying tissues, and notice times when others may need them.
Retell a great story or a great joke to someone who could use a distraction.
Ask someone you know for a laugh-out-loud joke or a story about their life.
Offer a 20-second hug to someone who seems amenable to it.
Cook a delicious dish for someone, and watch this person enjoy it.
Sing a song to someone who’s open to it: a baby, your lover, a friend. Pick a really beautiful song, in your opinion. Your artistic abilities are irrelevant for this.
Answer a difficult question honestly. You’d be surprised how refreshing and moving it could be, and how it can help build a connection.
If you happen to be less affected by the chaos around you, be a calm presence for others. You can invite people who are stressed just to sit with you for a few minutes. Even without doing or saying anything, sharing your calm will create an engagement.
Do a small kindness for someone: sharpen their pencil or put an extra pen on their desk, hold the door, bring a cup of coffee.
Write a thoughtful e-mail to someone who has shown you kindness. Even if you don’t send this email, it still counts.
Call a person who you think could use a chat.
Add something to your calendar that you’re really looking forward to, even if it is as small as a coffee break, and notice how resonates with you every time you think of it.
Allow yourself to be moved, even (especially?) if you are in a position of power.
In a large scheme of things, our world has felt extremely turbulent in the recent months and years. On a personal level, as we grow older (and hopefully, wiser), we tend to lose people and activities to which we don’t feel connected anymore. Yet, it is not trivial to replenish engaging activities and people with whom we can get emotionally connected.
I am thankful to you for staying connected and engaged. Would you be open to sharing with me some of your challenges and highlights of 2023 and hopes for 2024? I’m the only one who reads my email inbox, Alina@AlinaBas.com . Your stories are a treasure.
I wish you a Happy Hanukkah, a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and a peaceful, restful winter break!
With gratitude,
Alina
Dr. Alina Bas, Strategy Consultant & Executive Coach
https://AlinaBas.com/schedule
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