Nothing Is Wrong, But…
“Nothing is wrong, but … something doesn’t feel right.”
This is the way clients often describe their situation when we first meet. Everything is more-or-less ok with them, but…
The word “but” is a warrior for truth: It crosses out the pretty picture painted before it, and prompts a more honest assessment of what is going on.
“This option looks great, but…” (…but not great enough for me to want it.)
“I want to participate, but…” (…but I won’t participate.)
“I love you, but…” (no one wants to hear what comes after this “but”.)
When “nothing is wrong, but…” occurs, it is easy to dismiss the discomfort as a first world problem. Clients often do; they ignore the situation, much like one could ignore a dull, persistent headache.
You can function with “nothing is wrong, but…”, and appear ok to others, but you know that whatever is happening, it is not normal for you.
Masking the situation with a pill, literal or metaphorical, is a one-of temporary solution. To find a solution, you’ve got to dig deeper, unless you want to spend your life living with this constant dull headache of “nothing is wrong, but…”.
So, how do you figure out what is going on?
Option 1: Conduct a systematic assessment of each important aspect of your life.
Consider various aspects of your life: work, health, family, hobbies, responsibilities, and people in your life. Think what you want to see happen in each area of your life, and compare to what is actually going on. Notice where there’s a gap, and whether this gap bothers you. As the next step, you can think through possible options to address the gaps.
The challenge is that if you could do this by yourself, and would be willing to make time for it, you probably would have done it already. What helps is to work on this assessment with someone who is a fantastic listener and is practiced in asking excellent questions (a coach, a therapist, possibly a friend who knows you well, and has your best interest in mind). You may have to face things you do not want to see, or things that are not easy to solve: ethical dilemmas, conflicts between your career and family identities, a relationship that looks better than it is, or a painful decision.
Interestingly, you can figure out the extent and even the remedy for “whatever is wrong” without figuring out precisely what the problem is. Hence, option 2.
Option 2: Get a holistic sense for your life, without inspecting each individual aspect of it.
This requires emotional and physical self-awareness more so than the intellectual analysis. If you know your ‘baseline normal’, you can learn to notice when you shift from this baseline, even when you can’t precisely explain the reason or nature of these shifts. For example, you generally wake up with a smile on your face, but lately, as soon as you open your eyes, you’ve been feeling heaviness or anxiety, before you even know what the day brings. You may not know what causes it, but noticing what is different may help you find a way to address it. As the next step, you can try to sense what change would affect the way you feel in the morning (for example).
However, it is just not easy to sense through problems for people who are used to thinking through problems. You’ve got to employ sensing as a way of knowing, and address the issues on a sensory level, without knowing precisely what the problem is. For example, you may prefer a particular pillow, without necessarily knowing why a pillow with certain softness or shape feels better – it just does; you may not be consciously aware that a particular pillow supports your neck in a way that allows you to get better sleep, but your body knows.
Option 3: If you don’t want to think things through, or feel things through, try rapid experiments.
This may feel a little like throwing things at the wall to see what sticks, but it is more like wayfinding, i.e. ‘know as you go’. These small rapid experiments can change how you feel, for better or for worse; try to notice whether the change feels better than your starting point or worse, closer to where you want to be or further. It is already progress from simply ignoring the feeling of “nothing is wrong, but ... [something is wrong, although I don’t know what it is]”.
Here are some ideas you can use for rapid experiments:
-Sleep more, notice how you feel
-Eat at least one balanced, nutritious meal, and see what difference it makes
-Think of one person who brings you joy, and reach out to them for a chat or to spend some time together
-Think of an activity, a relationship, or a cause that truly matters to you, and actively invest into it some time, attention, energy, and money; notice what kind of change this creates in you
-Consider a possibility of doing different work, different projects, in a different place; notice whether the prospect of these possibilities makes you excited or drained
-Say “no” to whatever does not feel harmonious to you, and see what kind of freedom this creates for you in terms of time and energy
-Change your physical environment and notice the impact (work from a different location, go for a walk in a new direction, etc.)
These ideas may seem basic, but they will help you develop self-awareness for what influences the way you feel.
If nothing seems wrong, but you don’t feel right, it is worth to make adjustments, even if you are at first not sure in which direction to take things. You will know as you go, and you can ask for help any time to make the journey faster and easier.
With gratitude,
Alina
Dr. Alina Bas, Strategy Consultant & Executive Coach
https://AlinaBas.com/schedule
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