Making a Wish When Torn Between Outcomes
Picture a child playing on the beach: she approaches the water, eager to jump in, but quickly retreats as the cold waves lap at her feet. The dance continues – step forward, jump back – as the girl is torn between her desire to swim and the comfort of staying warm. What will tip the scales and make her commit to one outcome or the other?
This simple scene mirrors a deeper question: does it make sense to wish for something when
a) You are uncertain about the best outcome (i.e. is going for a swim the best idea?), or
b) You don’t have control over the outcome (i.e. a larger wave may catch up with the girl even if she thinks she jumped back far enough)?
Let’s consider this in the context of life’s more complex dilemmas:
· Should you wish for acceptance to a prestigious university far from family, knowing the distance will tug at your heart?
· Should you hope for a high-powered job offer if it means sacrificing balance and peace?
· Should you long for a particular person’s love, even when your gut says they may not be the right match?
When you’re caught in this “approach-avoidance” conflict, where a part of you wishes for something, while another part fears it, how do you choose where to place your bets? How do you wish for something wholeheartedly when you’re unsure what’s truly best for you?
1. Let things play out. Let go of trying to control the outcome. Let the universe unfold. You don’t have to take a side, especially if the outcome may not even be within your control, and when you can’t know for sure all the consequences of each outcome. And when things do play out, allow that outcome to be the only solution; choose it to be the one you want. Take our beach example: the girl might edge close enough to the water to risk a splash, but she stays far enough to avoid the certainty of a splash. She lets the waves “decide”, and when they do, she accepts the outcome as the outcome.
2. Create internal alignment. This means finding a way to feel harmonious about the very intention of the wish. If thinking, “I want to attend this amazing university,” feels wrong because it implies leaving your family, or “I want to stay close to family” feels wrong because it implies giving up the opportunity, reframe your wish. Look for harmonious phrasing you can wholeheartedly stand by. Try this: “I am at an amazing university and I stay connected to my family in ways that feel good.” With this alignment, the decision becomes less fraught. For the girl on the beach, it might mean deciding to sit close enough to increase the chance of being splashed because she knows she’ll feel happier after a swim.
3. Allow for the possibility that your options are “on par”. As Dr. Ruth Chang explains in her TED talk, “on par” options may seem better than others in some important ways, but not in all important ways. We never know all the consequences of any outcome and can’t tell with certainty what is fundamentally better. So ultimately, “better” means aligning with your values and deepest needs, which may be tacit. When you are not sure what is best, choose what resonates most with you and with what you value. Then, commit.
To break free from the approach-avoidance turbulence, what helps most is knowing yourself. Knowing what you stand for and what you deeply value. Then, wish for the outcome that aligns harmoniously with those values. Sometimes, your deepest values may be tacit, just like the consequences of the possible outcomes. When that’s the case, the best wish might simply be:
“I wish for the best outcome that aligns harmoniously with my deepest values and desires, whatever the outcome may be.”
With gratitude,
Alina
Dr. Alina Bas, PCC
Strategy Consultant & Executive Coach
https://AlinaBas.com
Alina@AlinaBas.com
NEW INTUITION CLASS on 12/18/24
Please join me for a virtual gathering focused on intuition development. I've set up this free Zoom meetup for us to engage with our intuitive abilities, consider our past and present, and tap into the future. We held a similar gathering in October, and it felt soulful, inspiring. If you missed it, or if you'd like to play again, join us!
WHAT: Applied Intuition: Sensing Our Lives (Meet-up on Zoom), 1 hour 30 minutes.
WHEN: Wed., Dec. 18th, 8:30-10pm EST via Zoom.
FREE. Registration is required, and will close 36 hours before class; spaces are limited. https://www.alinabas.com/schedule
DETAILS: We will discuss ways to understand & apply intuiting using our ability to 'sense and make sense', and shape our vision for the coming year. We'll talk about scientific basis for retrieving information that is not accessible through analysis, experiment with getting information via sensory perception, and make time for Q&A.
UPDATES and IDEAS
I just designed and facilitated a Leadership Summit for a team of Executive Leaders and for Senior Leaders at the next level in the same organization. When hard-working, conscientious, experienced, driven, and talented people want to do things even better, we find room and a strategy for improvement. Surprisingly often, tweaks in communication and collaboration get the job done. #lovemyjob
If you are in a leadership position, does your company offer a perk of paying for your executive coaching?Don't leave this money on the table; let's make this personal/professional development before 2024 ends. Please, reach out, and we'll figure out a plan. Alina@AlinaBas.com
Our academic book chapter, "Does Intuiting Precede or Follow Mastery?", co-authored with Dr. Viktor Dorfler and Dr. Marta Sinclair, has been accepted for publication in 2025! The chapter is about ways to tell whether someone is an expert, a master, or a grandmaster, and the role of intuiting in developing mastery.
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